Yay for the New Shanen! :)

So, I imagine, for those of you who don't know me (who only read about me via my blog), you think of me as an extremely emotional, serious, logical person. I am that ~ sorta. But, there's also a really fun side to me that unfortunately does not come out often enough. (except for random decisions like skydiving, which was a sport I thought only idiots would do!) But I'm working on that... and this weekend I took one step closer to coming out of my carefree, "I don't care what the world thinks of me" shell!


I did something that I have actually been planning for quite awhile. I finally went for it. And I am so glad I did... I didn't tell my family until it was OVER so that they couldn't try to talk me out of it. Then my parents asked me if I was drunk when I did it! haha. (ok, is the suspense killing you?!) I got a tattoo!!!



The thought of it started before my recent Africa trip. A couple friends and I had decided we would get tattoos when we returned from the trip, and I decided back in February that I was going to get an African Symbol, but I didn't know which one. There are so many African symbols, so I wanted to wait until after my trip to see what word stood out to me and summed up my experience the most.


I thought the word would be something like "HOPE", after all, I was going with The Village of HOPE! But, I waited to see. (And I'm glad I waited because the symbol for hope was a little too X-Rated - not sure I would be seen with that tattoo!)


Here his is part of an email I wrote to a friend that explains the words I chose for my tattoo:


"The whole time I was in Gulu, God had me reading II Sam. 22, and He assured me that He is the ultimate protector and defense and fortress for these kids. But there was such a sense of the need for safety and security in Uganda! The kids at Village of Hope have a large wall around the orphanage with glass shards at the top of the wall to keep the rebels out, should they return. The windows have bars on them, and then every night the kids lock every door in the house and let out a guard dog to roam the perimeter."


So - during and after my trip, I knew exactly what word stuck out to me the most. It was Safety, or Security. In Gulu especially, there is an eery feeling of "what if the rebels come back" and just a sense of wanting to move the kids to a safer place. I wanted to pack up the entire town of Gulu and move them somewhere safer!! (Thank God for Village of Hope, who is building new homes in a SAFER place for hundreds of children!)


So, I found an African symbol that means "Safety and Security" for a "House/Compound". Wow! Pretty much perfect, considering we call the Village of Hope a "safe house"!! So, I decided that's what I would get. I went back and forth on where I would get it and finally decided shoulder blade. My feet are ugly, so I didn't want it there. I hate shaving my legs, so I bypassed the ankle idea. I didn't want it anywhere where it would be noticeably visible at work. So, shoulder blade (hidden in a sleeveless shirt, but partially showing in a tank-top), was the perfect solution. Instead of the typical black/green tattoo, I knew I wanted one with color, but didn't know what. I thought maybe teal or a fun, cute color like that, but I wasn't sure. Plus, this tattoo wasn't necessarily for "fun" or "cuteness". I really wanted it to symbolize something dear to my heart that changed my life and so I just kept thinking about what color it would be. The night before I was going, I emailed my friend Trish (who is a fellow-tattooee) and told her what I was doing. After she screamed with excitement, she randomly threw out the color RED and said that she pictured it being red, and this is before I even told her that I was debating color choices! Well, I thought about it for a whole 2 seconds!!!... then decided that was perfect. To me, Red symbolizes the blood shed in Africa due to the 20 year war, and reminds me even more how much I need to pray for safety and protection over those people!


So, here's a couple blurry pics from my Blackberry. When Angel gets her pics sent to me, I'll post better ones. This is half-way through and then a close-up of the completed design!

...Yes, I LOVE AFRICA!!!

Click here to read 2 Samuel 22. I wanted to post it on here but it's really long, and I didn't want to chop it up. The entire chapter was really the inspiration behind the tattoo. While in Uganda, anytime I would start to fear for the children and people I grew to love, God would send me back to 2 Samuel 22. It's like he kept reminding me that He is God (not me!)! Nothing I can do will save them. And more importantly, He loves them more than I do. And He is their protector!

LET GO!!!

Not much new to blog about... except to say, I am in the middle of a PEACE storm! I'm so used to all other storms (stress storms, grumpy storms, angry-at-life-and-circumstances storms, etc.), that this seems so strange to me!

I haven't even blogged about my feelings (which is unusual for me), because I don't know how to put it all in to words. All I can say, is that I feel peace and I feel content - even though I have no idea what the future holds.

I went to the Women of Faith conference this weekend and it was great! The nugget I left with was this verse:

PSalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God."

A speaker at the conference pointed out that "Be still" in Hebrew means "Let Go". So, that verse can also be written like this:

"LET GO and know that I am God!"

I love that so much! God is truly teaching me to let go! I have let go of so much already and am full of anticipation to see what God will have for my future!

No words to describe it...

I’m having trouble finding the appropriate words to describe where I am in life right now. I’d throw out the words “bizarre, strange, or crazy”, but your first thought might be something negative. So, I will try these, “calm, joyous, relaxed.” These might not sound like anything exciting to you, but if you know me, or have read more than a few posts on my blog, then you understand that these particular words and I, have not had a meeting of the minds in quite awhile! If anything, I have been “fazzled, stressed and overwhelmed!” So, this is why I find it hard to explain the place I’m in – because I haven’t been here in quite awhile – and I haven’t felt this peaceful in many, many years.

All I know, is that everything I thought I had planned for myself – is no longer my plan. Sounds crazy.... but, all the thoughts I had about my life right now, what I’d be doing, when I’d have a baby, etc. have all changed. Don’t get me wrong, the dreams, desires and hopes around those particular things are still there, but the idea that it’s all about ME and MY timing has been crumbled. I’ve given EVERYTHING over to God and it has been so freeing!!!! I am so OKAY with whatever God has. Seriously. I had all these plans for myself and now, I have no idea what’s going to happen, or where I’m going to go, or when I might have a baby, and I have no problems with that.

I wish I could share more, but I am not at liberty to right now. (But, trust me – I can’t wait to blog about it when the timing is right). But – I know that the peace I have, and the things that God is starting to do, are amazing and can only be His doing. I’m so excited! I see God doing a work, and even though I don’t know much right now, I do know that that’s where I want to be. Right in the middle of His work!

"...clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ..." Rom. 13:14

Still Standing Here...

So, I know it's been a week since I've written anything. I wish I had more time to write, but I just haven't, so sorry! But, the good news is, alot and yet, not much, has happened in the last week. I don't have anything to report on what direction I've taken or that God has given me some great sign, but I can gladly say, that for a full week, God has been revealing to me (in so many ways), that He has me where He wants me.

Pertaining to my last blog, I mentioned that God has me in a place of waiting. Not knowing what's ahead, but teaching me to be ok with that for once. For so long, I have grasped and grasped and hoped and hoped and I was so sure that I knew what I wanted (and what I assumed God was going to bless). And while that may still be the right direction, God has called a time-out. He has asked me to put all these things in His hands. So often, I see something I want, or that I want to do, and unless I feel God stopping me, I step out and do it. However, this has been a much different journey.

I see now, that all along, my focus on these things has been wrong. The journey was all about me. Even as my Blog heading explains, we were created for a purpose and we bring ultimate glory to God when we are walking in our gifts. However, in searching my heart, I realized that I wanted to pursue those gifts and talents for my own benefit. (Yes, there was a desire to want to bless others too, but I just kept looking to those things for my own happiness.)

My heart is changing. Slowly, but surely. For the last week or so, God has continued to confirm that this is where I need to be; my pastor spoke about how we feel God telling us something, and instead of obeying, we decide to do more righteous things to make up for our disobedience. For instance, I didn't want to lay everything down for an unknown amount of time, so I thought that if I read my Bible more, or prayed more, that God would overlook my disobedience to laying it all down! In a paraphrase, our pastor spoke about this: "God cares more about our hearts and our obedience, than He does our righteous acts." He also said something else I love: that we have this distorted view of God and we want to believe that His whole existence is to make us happy and for us to live out our wonderful lives in Joy. He so "gently" reminded us that in fact, that is not God's desire. His desire is for our hearts to be in the right place with Him. And ultimately, if our hearts are right, then the happiness will follow, regardless of the other circumstances. (For instance, Paul! He was imprisoned and tortured, yet he was happy, because his heart was in the right place with God.) I think most of all, God is bringing me to a place where NOTHING shakes me. Nothing wavers my faith. Nothing breaks me. I feel so far from this place, but I know God's grace will continue to lead me there.

While I'm not going to go into alot of details, I can say this - that I have put everything down! Everything I wanted, everything I am pursuing, is down. And I'm not holding back or picking it up until He tells me to. All the dreams, all the desires, all the things I wanted - I've given to Him. Because even though these are things that I want to use for God's glory, I am understanding that I am so far from God in my heart. So, even if God did redeem it all, and allow me to minister to others through disobedience in my life, He still wants my heart to be right too.

So, I totally feel like none of that made since. It's kind of a compilation of several, random thoughts in my head, so I hope you managed to follow-along.

Standing at the Fork

So, if you recall, I have had trouble knowing “where to go from here” in life. I’ve been asking God to show me a clear-cut answer... To give me a definitive Yes or No. I know there are times in your life when you come to a fork in the road and God will bless either direction you take. But, in this case, I’ve been asking God to make the decision for me. Maybe it’s because I don’t trust my own judgment at this point (I tend to let my emotions get in the way), or maybe it’s because every time I take a step of faith in the direction I THINK I’m supposed to take – I hit a wall! Well, I don’t have any new news besides this – that I am still standing at the fork, with no definite decision on which path to take – BUT, I now know God’s plan for me while I’m standing here deciding.

Since my trip to Africa, part of me has felt lost. At times I have felt like my heart was being tugged in 500 different directions. I was feeling even more confused than before I left!!! But, last week I attended a Bible study luncheon that a friend of mine has started. And, during this lunch, God begin to reveal to me what His plan is for me in all this. The topic at lunch always encompasses being a Christian in the workplace and how we can apply it to our lives. During the discussion, Kat spoke about Happiness, and the source of it. I felt so convicted as I sat there and realized that all this time, I have looked to other things to give me happiness. While I was still praying and believing God, I realized that I was also putting an expectation on my job or my boss or everything else, to provide me with satisfaction and joy. Yesterday on my Facebook, I wrote something that God was speaking to me:

“God is the source of TRUE joy. When we look to anything else- our job, our family and friends, the material things around us - we will only be disappointed. And until we recognize God's desire to fill us with true joy, we will only exasperate ourselves looking for it in other things.” (S.W. Dreamer)

And I was just that – exasperated! In all honesty, I have neglected my first Love. The One who has brought me more happiness than anything else in this life! Last night I stayed up late looking at old journals from when I was in Bible college. I almost felt like I wasn’t even reading my own journal. The faith portrayed and the love for God that was exuberating from the pages, almost seemed foreign to me. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love God and I love following Him – but I had neglected our relationship. I spent a couple hours pouring over these notebooks. Reading verses, quotes, and sermons that were life-changing. I realized that while my intentions all along have been good, God could still not bless my steps or ministry, unless my heart was right with Him first. I want to touch people’s lives and make a difference in this world, and all along I’ve thought, “If I only made more money, I could help the kids in Africa” and “If I could only do this and this, then I could bless these people over here”. I guess in reality, my motives were right, but my heart was not. Your ministry flows from what’s inside of you. If I haven’t been spending time in prayer and in the Word of God, then I’ve got nothing left to pour out of me. Regardless of what I’m doing in life, what amount of money I’m making, who I surround myself with... if I’ve got nothing on the inside (where it matters most), then I’ve really got nothing (of importance) to offer on the outside.

So, here I sit at the intersection of life. The “fork” of decision. But, I’m no longer looking for God to tell me where to go. I now know that His desire all along has been to bring me back to the basics. Back to a place of such rest and peace and trust in Him, that I’m not concerned about the future and what it holds, what I should do, and where I should go. He would rather that I find rest at His feet for awhile and soak Him in before I go any further. I am actually ok with this, because I know that only good things can come out of it. I miss Him. I miss time with Him. I miss the love and passion I had when I wrote those journals 10 years ago!

Sometimes, when we feel lost or removed from God, we want to ask Him “where have you gone?”, when in reality, WE are the ones that left.

Village of Hope Kids!

There are so many things to write about in regards to my Africa trip! If I wrote it all at once, it would fill a book, and you would be overwhelmed and stop reading half way through. So I figured I would blog in bite-sized portions (which still might be a lot, but hang with me, people).

I thought it appropriate to start by talking about Village of Hope (VOH), since that is the organization I went with. The VOH safe house was started by Cindy Cunningham, who lives in Dallas, along with Rose (the house mom at the orphanage) who lives in Gulu. I won’t go in to Cindy’s story of how God called her to Gulu, but you can read it here on her Blog. (start at the bottom of the page and read up!) Cindy started VOH for orphans who were once abducted by the LRA (Lord’s Resistance Army), which you can read more about the LRA here if you aren’t familiar. All the children at the VOH safe house were once former child soldiers, sex slaves, and made to commit horrible acts which we could never fathom. Rose has taken in what most would call the “worst of the worst”. Children who are most at-risk because of what they have been through, or what they will go through if they are not rescued. Children with no parents, who have been forced to take care of themselves and their siblings by any means necessary. There are 19 children in the safe house now and they are building on 100 acres to make room for hundreds more children - but that’s for another post.

Cindy with the kids

This is my compilation of multiple things that happened with the children at VOH within a 2 week period, but I’m trying to make it into one short story to keep it simple (and obviously, shorter).

So, I have to admit, that when I first pulled up to the safe house, I didn’t know what to expect. You find this cute, little house with bars on the windows, and high walls with glass pieces stuck to the top of the walls to “keep out intruders.” It’s nestled in the middle of a refugee camp, surrounded by mud huts, chickens running amuck, and half-dressed little children everywhere. Our van pulls up to the large metal doors, which also acts as a gate for cars that pull in. Suddenly, a sea of smiling faces bounce out of the gate and greet us as we exit the vehicle. Before I can say hello or ask their name, I am wrapped in their hugs and warm welcome – being swept through the gates of Village of Hope by 19 kids who are about to steal my heart. Our day with them consists of playing futbol (soccer) with the boys along the side of the house on a small stretch of cement (but they don’t notice or care); the girls help cook, read books or color, and play a jump-rope game with some string they tied together. Over the course of the day, they dance and sing, but there is none like the singing that happens at night. At first the songs are playful, with a few hand motions here and there... “a big, big table , with lots and lots of food” is a popular line! Some of the songs are in Acholi (their native language), but several of them are in English as well and we all sing along. After about 20 minutes of singing and dancing, their voices turn to worship. This is what gets you the most. The sound and feeling in the air as their sweet voices rise to heaven. Then, one by one, they slowly drop to their knees and the feeling of God’s presence overtakes the room. I sit on the couch and watch, almost ashamed that I too am not joining them in worship. I don’t know the words to the song, and I don’t speak Acholi, but I know through their actions that they are deeply in touch with God, their Redeemer, Protector and Provider. Tears stream down my face as I watch this beautiful sight. One child, Norman, is on his knees, pounding his chest in prayer to God as tears are running down his cheeks. Most of the kids are wiping tears from their eyes as they sing and you can’t help but wonder “what are they saying?!” Norman is asked to say a prayer and while I can barely hear the translation from Rose, I do catch a few things that make me realize that this 12 year old boy is spiritually more mature than many men I know! His heart-felt prayer lasts about 2 minutes and consists of him asking God to protect us and to send His Holy Spirit to guide us... the prayer continues as the mzungus (“white people” in Acholi) wipe our own tears at the beautiful scene in front of us.

(Left pic: The kids singing) (Righ pic: Norman Worshipping )

Later on in the day, the children all gather around to play Bingo. They love this game, especially because we play with M&Ms, and those are their favorite! After several games of Bingo, and more soccer, it is time for the children to go to bed. There’s no official bed-time routine of “change into your pajamas and brush your teeth.” They just simply go to their rooms and hop in their bunk bed. Of course, that isn’t before they lock all the doors in the house – including all the inside doors – living room to kitchen, hall to living room, and then each respective bedroom door. The guard dog is also let out, to roam the perimeter of the house during the late hours. This is how they live - every night. This is the system they have implemented to “protect” themselves. So, I tuck myself into a top bunk (a 3 level bunk bed), and fall asleep. Half way through the night I wake up and hear the sound of 9 precious girls sleeping –I hear deep breaths, some tossing and turning, and a couple of girls are snoring. What a beautiful melody – I wish I had had a tape recorder!

(Left pic: Playing futbol/soccer) (Right pic: Me leaving Norbert on our last day (and a note he wrote for me))

I wake up to the sound of children cleaning the floors, washing dishes, and playing soccer outside the window. The children here aren’t told what to do. They just see a need and meet it. If they are told what to do, I never see them complain. Walking out into the hall, I bump into Irene who diligently wipes down the hall floors. Clinton is smiling and swaying to a song in his head as he washes the dishes. Stella is outside helping prepare breakfast for 23 people, and as I turn the corner, I see Peter washing clothes in a bucket of water and soap. Gloria is throwing the clothes over the line to dry and Norbert is pushing a wheel barrel of water out of the gate to dump into a cornfield across the road. All this occurs with smiles on their faces and not a single moan. I even offered to help Moses with the dishes one day, and I think I got in the way more than I helped. So, this all made me realize something – that I’m taking my children to Africa if they ever complain about house chores!

(Left pic: Peter washing clothes) (Right pic: Clinton washing dishes )

This was definitely a shortened version of all that happened with the kids at Village of Hope, and there will be more stories in more posts... this is just the first, so please be patient as I try to sort through my thoughts and get it all into a post.


Me with most of the kids!

Dreams...

Like I said in my previous blog, I’m not sure where to go from here, but I do know that I like this timely quote on my calendar...

“Dreams take time, patience, sustained effort, a willingness to fail, if they
are ever to be anything more than dreams.” Bryan Linkoski

Actions and Truth

“Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue,
but in actions and truth.” ~ 1 John 3:18

I know I have a lot to write about and catch up on... and I can’t wait to blog about my amazing trip to Africa where God is doing incredible things. However, I do not have time to write all of that now. Instead, I wanted to start off with the Scripture above, which is what is heavy on my heart right now.

Since I’ve been home, I’ve been dealing with the “post-ministry letdown” syndrome that Cindy warned us about. The feeling of, “Ok, what’s next”, “How can I help?” I am burdened, happy, sad, rejoiceful... all at the same time. I keep staring at the faces in my pictures and remembering their smiles and laughs. I keep watching the videos of the kids dancing and singing. I’m haunted by the feeling that there are children in refugee camps scared everyday for their safety. It’s hard to explain all that I’m feeling. But all I know, is that I MUST do something. I’m not sure what the “something” is, or even the possible “somethings”, but I’m praying for direction and wisdom. I have a few ideas, but there is still this overwhelming feeling of “will it ever be enough?!” But, God is reminding me (AGAIN), that HE alone is God. I am not God, and it is not my job to BE God. It is only my duty to do what He leads me to do.

With that... let me introduce you to one of my favorite pictures from the trip. This little boy lives in a refugee camp in Gulu, Uganda. He was falling asleep in the middle of the crowd, and I motioned for him to come sit in my lap. He was so precious.


Pleas pray for me. That I will find my part in all this and that I will prove my love for these kids, my love for Village of Hope, and most of all, my love for the Lord, through “actions and truth.”

Headed to Uganda!

Ok, well, tomorrow is the big day! I'm headed off to Africa to hug and kiss some amazing kids!

~I'll keep y'all posted when I return. You'll see lots of pics of my 2 and a half week journey!

I'll miss the blogging world. (sorta)

Whirlwind.of.Thoughts.I.Need.to.Share

Lately, I have felt so overwhelmed. Not necessarily, physically or emotionally, but mentally. Mentally I am overwhelmed. I feel like I have a 100-thing to-do list in my head at all times... and the list keeps growing. I have notepads, receipts, pieces of paper, things everywhere, with little reminders and notes of things to do. There are times in my life when I’ve felt, “Man, I just have so much to do,” but, this seems different. It’s like there’s so many little things and big things to do, that I just want to run away and not do any of them. On my drive to work each day, I’m constantly thinking, “OH, and I have to do that, and that, and that, and that.” I feel like it will never stop. My brain is on overload... with things to do, and deep thoughts.

I don’t even think that it has anything to do with my up-coming Africa trip (I feel like that to-do list is pretty short in comparison!). And, it’s not even like my life is SO extremely busy either. It’s just that my mind won’t quit working, and I’m exhausted. My drive to work in the morning is about 50 minutes in stop-and-go traffic. And I almost fall asleep in the car, every day! Is it because I’m tired? Sometimes. Is it because I’m not looking forward to the work-day ahead? Probably. But, I really just feel like it’s because I’m mentally exhausted! My brain is always asking me to quit thinking!!!!

This is very frustrating for me, because there are so many things that I want to do with my life, and I want to do each of them well. I don’t want to be mediocre at my job. I don’t want to be a half-a** wife (pardon my French – but that’s exactly how I feel.) I want to be an amazing mother some day. Next week – I want to be an encouragement and blessing to hundreds of children in Africa who need my love and attention!!!!!! But, I suddenly feel inadequate in this area. These days, when I arrive home at night, I crash. I mean, of course, on my way home, my mind is racing with alllll the things I need to do once I get home, but then once I get there – it’s a different story. It’s like I’ve talked myself out of doing everything I know I need to do, and I just crash. I might pick one project (dinner) to do that night so that I don’t feel like a total waste. It’s so frustrating. I definitely don’t think of myself as a lazy person. I’ve always had a good work ethic. But things have changed it seems. I suddenly seem lazier than I used to be. I feel like a bad worker. I worry about how I am as a wife to my husband. And I worry about what kind of mother I will be one day! My husband seems to get my mental-leftovers. I’m not usually in the best mood when I get home. My husband is the hardest worker I know. Not only does he work his butt of for me and our future family, but he works hard for other people too. Last night he was at work until 1am helping one of the other guys finish a project. He doesn’t always work that late (most of the time he brings his work home and stays on his laptop until late), but he always does what’s necessary to get the job done. I wish I had this work ethic like I used to. I’m not the kind of gal that thinks women should do all the house-work and chores, but I know that my husband pulls his weight around the house and works his butt off at the office too. So, yes! I think that I should be able to come home at 6pm and put away clothes, unload and load the dishwasher, vacuum, or whatever else needs to be done. But, I don’t. I want to be a blessing to my husband, and instead, I feel like he gets the grumpy-pants version of what’s left of me mentally. Gr.

Anyway, I don’t know why I’m blogging about this. Maybe it’s because I have an old friend that I’ve been back in touch with, who is so good at sharing her thoughts and feelings, and it has spurred me to do the same? Although, those of you who read my blog, know that I have no problem saying what I feel, I just usually try to look at the bright side and be encouraging. I’m not sure if this is one of those blogs. I’m just sharing my true feelings for today. Like I told Trish, the “everything is fine and I’m happy”-mask is a little tiring sometimes.

So – there you have it, blogger world. Please pray that this trip to Africa will (please forgive me if this sounds selfish), also be a time of mental refreshing and relaxation. My Blackberry will stay in Texas - and halfway across the world from me for 14 days and 18 hours (yes, I am excited about this!) No emails from work. No phone calls from – well – work people. Just me, my 2 amazing girlfriends, the beautiful, African children, and most importantly, God!!!! Ah.Yes.God.

“Within each of us is a hidden store of determination. Determination to keep us
in the race when all seems lost.” ~ Roger Dawson

...so true for me! No matter what, I will not give up or give in!