Friday, July 31, 2009

Standing at the Fork

So, if you recall, I have had trouble knowing “where to go from here” in life. I’ve been asking God to show me a clear-cut answer... To give me a definitive Yes or No. I know there are times in your life when you come to a fork in the road and God will bless either direction you take. But, in this case, I’ve been asking God to make the decision for me. Maybe it’s because I don’t trust my own judgment at this point (I tend to let my emotions get in the way), or maybe it’s because every time I take a step of faith in the direction I THINK I’m supposed to take – I hit a wall! Well, I don’t have any new news besides this – that I am still standing at the fork, with no definite decision on which path to take – BUT, I now know God’s plan for me while I’m standing here deciding.

Since my trip to Africa, part of me has felt lost. At times I have felt like my heart was being tugged in 500 different directions. I was feeling even more confused than before I left!!! But, last week I attended a Bible study luncheon that a friend of mine has started. And, during this lunch, God begin to reveal to me what His plan is for me in all this. The topic at lunch always encompasses being a Christian in the workplace and how we can apply it to our lives. During the discussion, Kat spoke about Happiness, and the source of it. I felt so convicted as I sat there and realized that all this time, I have looked to other things to give me happiness. While I was still praying and believing God, I realized that I was also putting an expectation on my job or my boss or everything else, to provide me with satisfaction and joy. Yesterday on my Facebook, I wrote something that God was speaking to me:

“God is the source of TRUE joy. When we look to anything else- our job, our family and friends, the material things around us - we will only be disappointed. And until we recognize God's desire to fill us with true joy, we will only exasperate ourselves looking for it in other things.” (S.W. Dreamer)

And I was just that – exasperated! In all honesty, I have neglected my first Love. The One who has brought me more happiness than anything else in this life! Last night I stayed up late looking at old journals from when I was in Bible college. I almost felt like I wasn’t even reading my own journal. The faith portrayed and the love for God that was exuberating from the pages, almost seemed foreign to me. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love God and I love following Him – but I had neglected our relationship. I spent a couple hours pouring over these notebooks. Reading verses, quotes, and sermons that were life-changing. I realized that while my intentions all along have been good, God could still not bless my steps or ministry, unless my heart was right with Him first. I want to touch people’s lives and make a difference in this world, and all along I’ve thought, “If I only made more money, I could help the kids in Africa” and “If I could only do this and this, then I could bless these people over here”. I guess in reality, my motives were right, but my heart was not. Your ministry flows from what’s inside of you. If I haven’t been spending time in prayer and in the Word of God, then I’ve got nothing left to pour out of me. Regardless of what I’m doing in life, what amount of money I’m making, who I surround myself with... if I’ve got nothing on the inside (where it matters most), then I’ve really got nothing (of importance) to offer on the outside.

So, here I sit at the intersection of life. The “fork” of decision. But, I’m no longer looking for God to tell me where to go. I now know that His desire all along has been to bring me back to the basics. Back to a place of such rest and peace and trust in Him, that I’m not concerned about the future and what it holds, what I should do, and where I should go. He would rather that I find rest at His feet for awhile and soak Him in before I go any further. I am actually ok with this, because I know that only good things can come out of it. I miss Him. I miss time with Him. I miss the love and passion I had when I wrote those journals 10 years ago!

Sometimes, when we feel lost or removed from God, we want to ask Him “where have you gone?”, when in reality, WE are the ones that left.


Trischa said...

I'm glad you're getting to this place, but don't you think it's frustrating? Didn't you think that you'd be grown up and have things figured out by the time you turned 30? I mean, just say it out loud.. "Thirty". It seems so grown up! I didn't think I'd feel like I was starting all over right now, but it's a good thing and a good place to be.

I'm not certain of where this is coming from, so take it with prayerful consideration, but as I was reading your post I just kept thinking of that silly quote "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." (I think it's Yogi Berra, but not sure.) Anyway, I think sometimes the fork in the road is in our mind. We want to think of it that way because that is how our minds work. Sometimes I think there isn't really a fork and that we know what we should do, but we hesitate at the path before us and think there could be another way. Does that make sense to you? If not, just chalk it up to some craziness from a crazy Ohio girl!

It sounds like you're on the right path... returning to your first love and spending time at his feet. I hope this is encouraging to you, because that is what I intended. You are awesome and I love you girl! Thank you for being so open and sharing your heart!

Dreamer said...


Thank you for your sweet encouragement! And yes, I did take it as that! :) My problem has been that I keep taking every step in the direction I THINK I’m supposed to go, yet I don’t feel like it’s been helpful for me in my current situation. It has worked in the past (like moving to TX – I felt like either way I decided, I would be ok and God would bless it –so I moved to TX!) But with this situation, everytime I tried, I kept hitting a wall. And, quite frankly, I still have determined if it was my own fears and insecurities that made me hit that wall, but all I know is that I have finally decided I’m going to quit doing it my way, like I was trying before. This is the rare time that I have layed it all down, and told God I’m not focusing on this right now. I feel like everything is up in the air, but for once, I am finally feeling a peace about it, and I’m not worrrrrrrying all the stinkin time!! Love you!!!!!!