Friday, August 7, 2009

Still Standing Here...

So, I know it's been a week since I've written anything. I wish I had more time to write, but I just haven't, so sorry! But, the good news is, alot and yet, not much, has happened in the last week. I don't have anything to report on what direction I've taken or that God has given me some great sign, but I can gladly say, that for a full week, God has been revealing to me (in so many ways), that He has me where He wants me.

Pertaining to my last blog, I mentioned that God has me in a place of waiting. Not knowing what's ahead, but teaching me to be ok with that for once. For so long, I have grasped and grasped and hoped and hoped and I was so sure that I knew what I wanted (and what I assumed God was going to bless). And while that may still be the right direction, God has called a time-out. He has asked me to put all these things in His hands. So often, I see something I want, or that I want to do, and unless I feel God stopping me, I step out and do it. However, this has been a much different journey.

I see now, that all along, my focus on these things has been wrong. The journey was all about me. Even as my Blog heading explains, we were created for a purpose and we bring ultimate glory to God when we are walking in our gifts. However, in searching my heart, I realized that I wanted to pursue those gifts and talents for my own benefit. (Yes, there was a desire to want to bless others too, but I just kept looking to those things for my own happiness.)

My heart is changing. Slowly, but surely. For the last week or so, God has continued to confirm that this is where I need to be; my pastor spoke about how we feel God telling us something, and instead of obeying, we decide to do more righteous things to make up for our disobedience. For instance, I didn't want to lay everything down for an unknown amount of time, so I thought that if I read my Bible more, or prayed more, that God would overlook my disobedience to laying it all down! In a paraphrase, our pastor spoke about this: "God cares more about our hearts and our obedience, than He does our righteous acts." He also said something else I love: that we have this distorted view of God and we want to believe that His whole existence is to make us happy and for us to live out our wonderful lives in Joy. He so "gently" reminded us that in fact, that is not God's desire. His desire is for our hearts to be in the right place with Him. And ultimately, if our hearts are right, then the happiness will follow, regardless of the other circumstances. (For instance, Paul! He was imprisoned and tortured, yet he was happy, because his heart was in the right place with God.) I think most of all, God is bringing me to a place where NOTHING shakes me. Nothing wavers my faith. Nothing breaks me. I feel so far from this place, but I know God's grace will continue to lead me there.

While I'm not going to go into alot of details, I can say this - that I have put everything down! Everything I wanted, everything I am pursuing, is down. And I'm not holding back or picking it up until He tells me to. All the dreams, all the desires, all the things I wanted - I've given to Him. Because even though these are things that I want to use for God's glory, I am understanding that I am so far from God in my heart. So, even if God did redeem it all, and allow me to minister to others through disobedience in my life, He still wants my heart to be right too.

So, I totally feel like none of that made since. It's kind of a compilation of several, random thoughts in my head, so I hope you managed to follow-along.

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