Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Whirlwind.of.Thoughts.I.Need.to.Share

Lately, I have felt so overwhelmed. Not necessarily, physically or emotionally, but mentally. Mentally I am overwhelmed. I feel like I have a 100-thing to-do list in my head at all times... and the list keeps growing. I have notepads, receipts, pieces of paper, things everywhere, with little reminders and notes of things to do. There are times in my life when I’ve felt, “Man, I just have so much to do,” but, this seems different. It’s like there’s so many little things and big things to do, that I just want to run away and not do any of them. On my drive to work each day, I’m constantly thinking, “OH, and I have to do that, and that, and that, and that.” I feel like it will never stop. My brain is on overload... with things to do, and deep thoughts.

I don’t even think that it has anything to do with my up-coming Africa trip (I feel like that to-do list is pretty short in comparison!). And, it’s not even like my life is SO extremely busy either. It’s just that my mind won’t quit working, and I’m exhausted. My drive to work in the morning is about 50 minutes in stop-and-go traffic. And I almost fall asleep in the car, every day! Is it because I’m tired? Sometimes. Is it because I’m not looking forward to the work-day ahead? Probably. But, I really just feel like it’s because I’m mentally exhausted! My brain is always asking me to quit thinking!!!!

This is very frustrating for me, because there are so many things that I want to do with my life, and I want to do each of them well. I don’t want to be mediocre at my job. I don’t want to be a half-a** wife (pardon my French – but that’s exactly how I feel.) I want to be an amazing mother some day. Next week – I want to be an encouragement and blessing to hundreds of children in Africa who need my love and attention!!!!!! But, I suddenly feel inadequate in this area. These days, when I arrive home at night, I crash. I mean, of course, on my way home, my mind is racing with alllll the things I need to do once I get home, but then once I get there – it’s a different story. It’s like I’ve talked myself out of doing everything I know I need to do, and I just crash. I might pick one project (dinner) to do that night so that I don’t feel like a total waste. It’s so frustrating. I definitely don’t think of myself as a lazy person. I’ve always had a good work ethic. But things have changed it seems. I suddenly seem lazier than I used to be. I feel like a bad worker. I worry about how I am as a wife to my husband. And I worry about what kind of mother I will be one day! My husband seems to get my mental-leftovers. I’m not usually in the best mood when I get home. My husband is the hardest worker I know. Not only does he work his butt of for me and our future family, but he works hard for other people too. Last night he was at work until 1am helping one of the other guys finish a project. He doesn’t always work that late (most of the time he brings his work home and stays on his laptop until late), but he always does what’s necessary to get the job done. I wish I had this work ethic like I used to. I’m not the kind of gal that thinks women should do all the house-work and chores, but I know that my husband pulls his weight around the house and works his butt off at the office too. So, yes! I think that I should be able to come home at 6pm and put away clothes, unload and load the dishwasher, vacuum, or whatever else needs to be done. But, I don’t. I want to be a blessing to my husband, and instead, I feel like he gets the grumpy-pants version of what’s left of me mentally. Gr.

Anyway, I don’t know why I’m blogging about this. Maybe it’s because I have an old friend that I’ve been back in touch with, who is so good at sharing her thoughts and feelings, and it has spurred me to do the same? Although, those of you who read my blog, know that I have no problem saying what I feel, I just usually try to look at the bright side and be encouraging. I’m not sure if this is one of those blogs. I’m just sharing my true feelings for today. Like I told Trish, the “everything is fine and I’m happy”-mask is a little tiring sometimes.

So – there you have it, blogger world. Please pray that this trip to Africa will (please forgive me if this sounds selfish), also be a time of mental refreshing and relaxation. My Blackberry will stay in Texas - and halfway across the world from me for 14 days and 18 hours (yes, I am excited about this!) No emails from work. No phone calls from – well – work people. Just me, my 2 amazing girlfriends, the beautiful, African children, and most importantly, God!!!! Ah.Yes.God.

“Within each of us is a hidden store of determination. Determination to keep us
in the race when all seems lost.” ~ Roger Dawson

...so true for me! No matter what, I will not give up or give in!

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3 comments:

Kristina with a K said...

It is so funny that you are mentioning this feeling, I'm feeling the exact same way too. It's like, I just want to have a break. I just want to do what it is I want to do and not have to worry about when we're eating or if my jeans are dry or whatever else. I don't want to be the wife who is in a bad mood or snappy all the time. I feel like that's how I can be sometimes, both at home and at work. And it stinks, because that's not me.

You'll have such a great time in Africa. We'll miss you! xoxo

Trischa said...

Awww... Girl... I feel for you! I pray your Africa trip brings you refreshment and focus and clarity!

penny lane designs said...

Sometimes I think we don't realize how much our jobs truly affect everything else in our lives... I know because I was there- and now I am not... and I am so much happier. Love you Shanny Belle and praying that you will make the right decision about what you need to do. :)